ELOISE LIKES WRITING: ON THE EXPERIENCE OF GETTING DIVORCED
I'm afraid of heights. I've studied my experience jumping off a boathouse roof into water, and noticed an interesting thing—when I'm on the boathouse and have to jump, I feel fear, and the fear is about hitting the water. The fear is overwhelming, and I can't imagine not feeling it.
And so I expect the hard part of the jump to be in the hitting of the water, but it's not—the hard part is the second when my feet go from ground to air. Once the leap has started, and there's no turning back, the fear is quiet. It was an illusion; the hard part is already over. The water is just water and it doesn't hurt me.
My experience of getting a divorce was similar. The time I was suffering the most wasn't during the divorce, but before that, when I was in a relationship that was bad for me but too scared to end it. I was terrified of leaving because I was terrified of being alone. Late October to mid November I had a little crisis and cried every day, and I'll remember forever that my friends Lawrence, Phil, Ricki, Avital, and Becca were there for me. Phil messaged me every day.
When I finally worked up the courage to accept that being divorced might be isolating and frightening, and I jumped anyway, I found that there had been nothing to be afraid of. I was more alone. But being more alone was ok. My feet had gone from ground to air; the hard part was already over.
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